Posted on July 29th, 2022.

As humans, when our safety is threatened, the majority of us default to aggression, defensiveness, grasping, numbing, or addiction to soothe ourselves. Safety, in this sense, doesn’t mean just in the physical sense. Feeling unsafe can be the result of an attack on our sense of self, our values, beliefs, and the lens through which we see ourselves and our world.

In order to develop resiliency in childhood, we need to be seen, and to be truly loved and accepted regardless of what is seen. Growing up, many of us received subtle messaging that we should not have been the way we were. We should be smarter, prettier, quieter, tougher, more feminine, more like “them.” In a sense, we were taught that we could not trust our true selves and should be ashamed of those pieces of ourselves that made our parents, teachers, and others uncomfortable.

I say this not to bash our parents. Most of them did the best they could with what they had. Many of them learned to parent through their own parents and they through theirs.

Spiritual reparenting strengthens our understanding that, regardless of what happens, we will be “okay.”

Through this lifetime of molding, we create a narrow construct of who we are, what path we are on, and what life should look and feel like. When this is challenged, sometimes in the smallest way, it can throw us into a tailspin (the direct fallout of which can be increased anxiety or depression). When we are incapable of integrating challenges or trauma, they instead cut us off at the knees.

We have a narrow range of resiliency, a small window of tolerance for processing discomfort and pain. It is important to note that true resilience isn’t just about bouncing back, it’s about understanding and accepting that the stressors and challenges you experience actually help you grow.

As adults, then, we need to learn how to self-nurture. “Spiritual reparenting,” as Tara Brach calls it. The hard work of therapy and self-betterment, of spiritual development, is exactly this: learning how to spiritually reparent ourselves. Through the work of spiritually reparenting ourselves we develop, and then deepen, skills that give us the strength to face feelings of discomfort with compassion and, in turn, strengthen our resiliency and expand our window of tolerance for those feelings.

Spiritual reparenting strengthens our understanding that, regardless of what happens, we will be “okay.” Not just okay, but a more fully embodied version of ourselves. One that did not exist before the initiation experience occurred.

“Trust the power of your heart and awareness to wake up through any circumstances.” — The Dalai Lama, when asked for the most important thing Western students need to remember Spiritual reparenting (that is, developing self-awareness, self-acceptance, coping, and self-soothing techniques) doesn’t prevent us from experiencing initiations.

Loved ones will die, jobs will be lost, accidents will be had, relationships will break — traumas will be experienced. But what spiritual reparenting does is give us the space to observe our internal responses to challenges with kindness, not judgment.

It allows us to stand outside our trauma and see it as a descent into the place where growth and acceptance can happen. In this place, we can allow whatever comes up to just be what it is without judgment.